You won't leave me alone, will you? Not even in my nightmares.
Look at me, I'm like a jilted ex who can't let go.
I don't know what to do without you, though. You kept me in check even more than my old friends did.
I'm sorry. I know it doesn't mean much of anything but I am. You're the better person for doing this. Just... disappearing and not responding. I bet you thought it would be easier on you. It probably is.
I might have a heart of stone but it feels like it's cracking without you. That sounds like a sappy love song or something but it's true. I've never felt like this before except maybe once.
[ falco had spent days, and days, and days in a slimy cocoon and blinking eyes surrounding it. fast asleep, from the looks of it, comatose as a day had become a week. a week of his omni neglected, his classes, his friends. he doesn't open anything until he pries, crawls and gets lurched out of the container by his guardians, gasping for air, drenched in fluids and cold in them.
but even colder was what he felt when he was awake. blinking, assimilating, wondering how many days had passed at what was the last thing he remembered. he even had trouble figuring out where he was. falco wouldn't touch a thing yet, not when he was trembling as he curled up and cried for who knew how long. his tears were hot and felt neverending, his chest felt husky and his heart broken, too battered and bruised to think or do anything else with his time. he needed one more day.
on october eighth, nothing really changes for the better. he wakes up numbed and slimy, a disgusting purple ooze staining his clothes and dribbling off any patch of exposed skin from his face to his fingers, enough that the smallest touch would pull back with viscous strings. his eyes sting and feel heavy from exhausting sleep. raw. he's urged to contact those who have missed him, and with an empty trudge into action, he starts with his omni. it doesn't take him long to feel a little spark. something alarms him, opens his eyes in more ways than one.
jun had sent so many messages. the last ones—
the last ones prick tearing, painful stings to his eyes and wraps a strain around his throat. his nose burns, he's crying again— a hand comes up to his mouth as he reads, rereads. what does he mean by that— jun? did he really just—
his fingers keep slipping from the grime, his nose is running and everything about his is gross right now but— perle helps. ]
jun are you still there? jun i wasntt ignoring you iwasst uck please a nswer iwant to see you i alwayswouls
[Jun doesn't even know what he means by that one, so good luck figuring it out, Falco.]
[He sees his omni alert him to a message, and he frowns. Falco? Probably to tell him that he's horrible or something. It's fine. But it takes him a bit to answer because... well, he's afraid. He doesn't want to open it. As much as he feels like he can take a lot of punishment, the idea of being yelled at by someone he cares about likes is...]
[He's not sure.]
[The other reason is because of the pain, and it's with a lot of stiffness in his joints that he finally opens up the message.]
[... 'Stuck'? The hell is that supposed to mean? Some kind of Trench thing, probably. ... So he wasn't mad at him. He's not sure if he believes Falco, though he's never known the other boy to lie...]
[He fumbles a bit with the omni, his fingers feeling like they're cracking with every letter he types.]
I'm fine.
[He's not.]
Home sick from school. Literally couldn't get out of bed this morning. Trench is being stupid again.
[ the response ebbs out a gasp from falco, soft and shivering. none of those messages from before. he doesn't know— all falco knows is that he's absolutely terrified of losing someone else. ]
i'd alwaysn want tol see you my finsgers keep stickingg your house? i'll go b e there ina few minutes promise
[ he's already halfway out the door by then, forgetting his bag, his forgetting anything he'd usually bring. ]
[ jun was stubborn. but now, falco only had one thing in mind, and that was to reach his destination. a lamp post and some squishy steps later, the blond is at the residence's doorstep. he knocks only as a reminder that he was entering, but when he swings the front door open to come in, it's in a bit of a dash. the way from there to here was a dash. ]
Jun? [ falco's voice is cracked, riddled with worry and raw from his tears— when he shows up in the living room, pausing to find jun on the couch, his heart makes the squeeze in his throat tighter. he looks— damp and unkept, but he rushes to the other boy's side and doesn't think twice about dropping his knees to the ground so he doesn't have to get up. ] J-Jun, hi—
[Jun is lying on the couch/Manabu's bed and he looks up at Falco as he comes in. He doesn't look tired so much as annoyed, though his hair is sticking to his head a bit. He looks at the other as he kneels by the couch and sighs.]
You look like you lost a fight with a bowl of jam.
[His tone is dry, but there's no hint of a bite behind it. He sighs and reaches out to flick the other in the forehead - not hard, just in annoyance.]
Head up to the shower and then into my room. There's clothes that'll fit you there.
[ the comment brings out something reminiscent of a laugh— perhaps more like a bark of air he couldn't hold in. he'd put a hand on him, but, the flick beats him to it. ah, falco huffs with a startle, but fondness manages to bleed past the worn edges of a face too young to bare the stress it does. jun could tell falco's thinking about it. he'd just gotten here. they had so much to talk about. he sucks his lips in, worrying about those very clothes that will probably start getting soggy, too. he's as slippery as a defensive frog.
after not removing his eyes off jun for a moment, he nods, covering his eyes with the back of his hand— but this was for him. ]
—Okay. I'll— I'll be quick.
[ and cleaning any slime coming off him. ugh. true to his word, falco goes as fast as he can. he gets the excess sludge off, hangs his own clothes by a window, and nabs the first pair of shorts and t-shirt that were available. he wasn't picky. all of that didn't take more than fifteen minutes (he didn't want to stay alone, either. auditory lapses and mild hallucinations were a crapshoot that he was expecting, at some point, just afraid to experience). it wouldn't exactly last long, but. at least long enough for them to talk and share their concerns without another jam fight on his entire person.
falco doesn't exactly look better, but he does look cleaner. his spot is still where he first folded his legs, and does so again: this time, he brought a hand towel. it was for jun. at last, he could put a hand on the boy's shoulder and start again with an inhale. ]
[Jun settles back as Falco goes up the stairs. He'll clean up the sludge later, when he's feeling like he can stand and kneel for a bit longer than he can now - or if he gets annoyed enough to just work through the pain. He stares up at the ceiling and tries to think about nothing.]
[He's not very successful. Instead he just thinks about the pain and the coldness he'd felt when he thought Falco had abandoned him. About how alone he'd felt. He's no stranger to depression or hallucinations, and he pushes both away at the moment. He can't deal with that shit right now. He doesn't have the mental space to be depressed or disturbed right now.]
[He watches Falco come back, his eyes tracking the other from behind his glasses. He keeps his mouth shut until Falco settles back into his spot - a spot that he's put a pillow down on, if only so the other doesn't end up sitting on the hard floor.]
.... I wouldn't have blamed you if you had abandoned me. I... you have a lot of other friends, right? So... so I'm not that important...
[He worries at his bottom lip for a moment before he speaks again.]
You're... it's... it's fine. It's in the past, anyway. Neither of us can change it.
[But then why does it hurt in a different way than his joints hurt?]
... I had a dream about you. I was chasing after you in the forest. ... But you kept running, and it was so dark I could barely see you. And... then I couldn't see you at all.
[He could end there, but he doesn't like to lie. That's not the end.]
And... then you were the bird-thing and you were chasing me. And on your back you had billions of lights... all the life signs of the people I.. killed. You caught up to me and grabbed me in your mouth, crushing me...
... I don't know how long I was in the dark for. It felt like forever before I woke up.
[He reaches out and puts a hand on the side of Falco's head, idly combing the other boy's hair with his fingers.]
[ settling comfortably into the pillow and bearing his weight upon his ankles, falco listens. his expression contorts around the eyebrows the most, a hurting kink over the bridge of his nose. how could— how could he abandon him? it didn't matter the number of friends he had. jun was jun, and therefore irreplaceable, therefore important, missed. falco can't interject, cannot interrupt him— so his hand on the boy's arm squeezes. it's not true.
the dream is a nightmare. there may have been a thing or two, about dreams in their classes, but falco does not have the mind to retrieve them. something about occult meanings and having keys to one's heart and soul. the deepest dives and the most intimate of fears slept there. being afraid of abandonment was palpably understandable, but falco's anxiety toward loss at this point expands to a level of rivalry. watching him from where he sits, diligently and raw, feeling the inside of his nose burn from the afterthought of shedding more tears when noticing pained twinges in his features and sweat causing black locks to stick. by the time he has folder the towel he'd gotten into a small square to pad at his friend's temple—
his cold, clammy cheeks feel warm, a flurrying greenish tint by a hand that cards at short little damp strands of his own hair. the shells of his ears have dawned the same color all the way down to his neck. this was affection. this was a tad more than a hug. he remembers each and every written word on the screen of his omni, and the combination makes his heart leap. ]
I'd, [ falco shakes his head, presses his lips together in a straight line to keep from losing composure already so fragile. ] never hurt you. I'd never run from you, you're—
[ when he inhales, it's shivery, even as he holds, makes sure to settle his hand at the top of the other boy's head with a gentle dust of his forehead with the towel. ]
You're my best friend— You make it bright, [ compared to such darkness, ] You're one of the only good things I have left.
[ his remaining hand finds the top of jun's, where it lingers close to his head, to clap it close. ]
[He knows there's supposedly meaning in dreams - whether it's occult or not is up for debate, to him. Psychological, maybe - the meaning's obvious to him. He's scared of losing Falco and he's scared of getting hurt. He's not sure how much control Falco always has in his large form... and he's sure he deserves punishment for what he's done.]
[If he died, it'd only be fair - even if it's not 'right' to some people.]
I'm... I'm fine. You don't have to - mm.
[He shuts up as Falco wipes at his forehead and goes quiet for a few long moments. He makes a soft noise in the back of his throat as Falco finishes and huffs in laughter - even if it hurts.]
Ironic, that I'd be a good thing for you. You know I'm bad news.
[He swallows thickly and leans in to press his head against his friend's.]
I'm not... I'm not okay in the head. You... you know that, right? I'm prone to anger, coldness... hallucinations... I'm a mess...
[ the pressure felt against his forehead was one he only ever remembers doing with his brother(s). when falco closes his eyes, keeps still, very still, feeling an intimate closeness— he, neither this, felt brotherly. his heart was beating too fast to. but at the same time . . . he’s never had a friend so close. he’s never been able to share so much when he didn’t count family.
too much has happened. he is a mess. he needs time to process what has gone and what is happening, and something is definitely . . . happening. he wouldn’t mind if he simply hovered there, suspended, only worrying about breathing and how nice it was to share the proximity—
in the meantime, he doesn’t shy away. he gives a press back, dipping his head to oblige and continue, before the pressure releases with his own gentle pullback. he hasn’t let go of the other’s hand, but . . . they’re starting to sweat, feel damp to the touch, jun would find. he’s not drying, no matter how warm he felt. ]
I, um . . . Not so far behind. [ his attempted smile comes weak and with raised shoulders. he’s a traumatized child soldier. he has a terminal curse. he’s possessed— his head isn’t any clearer. falco swallows thick, and rubs his thumb reassuringly over the hand he still covers. he’s barely registering that he’s holding someone’s hand for so long. ] But it’s not something we can’t get through together.
... Tell me what happened. You said you were stuck.
[He doesn't resist pulling back, just holds on to Falco's hand. It's kind of gross since he's sweaty, but... eh. At least he's not slimy anymore.]
You look... like you don't feel well. And not in the pain sense.
[He feels a small jolt as the other's thumb moves over his skin, but he doesn't move. This is... well, it's different than what he felt like Machi. Two children marching to their deaths, trying to enjoy what little time they had left... until it was cut short.]
[This? He's not sure what this is.]
Talk to me, Falco.
[He moves impulsively, not thinking about it - stretching out his other hand to cup his friend's cheek. It's... fine. This is fine. This is just a friend thing to do, right? Maybe not normally for boys, but... nothing's normal here. It's fine.]
[ he’d be more flustered if his world wasn’t . . . coming apart. holding his face brings a flash of memory back, quick and painful— his mother, who he thought was dead, was alive and cupping his sweltering cheeks from within the titan. his father gripping his shoulders and hugging them together, where they’d sit through the hot steam and cry with overwhelming relief, with grins betraying the streams that rolled down their faces. he hardly got the chance to say hello and would get less of a chance to say goodbye— they were gone, and turned into grotesque monsters without a mind. ]
I was, I-In this thing, for a while, sleeping, and I remember . . . Home, [ it only lasted a second, that flash, but falco’s features contort from being unable to hold the painful want to cry. it comes in a flow through gritting teeth— and what was probably sweat is now a touch oily. slippery. he turns his head and rests it against jun in a half hug that crumbles. the silence that quivers his shoulders breaks in a wet gasp, and he says with squeaking labor: ] Everyone’s— gone—
[He puts an arm around Falco as he crumples, pulling the other into his chest with a soft wince. He doesn't want to admit how much things hurt right now, so he keeps himself silent. Instead he tries to busy his mind thinking of the implications.]
[Remembering home? More than he did? But... 'everyone's gone'. Oh. Well. That could mean a few different things, but he gets the sense that Falco's not in a mood to elaborate. He uses his sleeve on his free arm to wipe the other's face, even if he knows it's just going to get wet again.]
I see. I...
[He huffs a bit, trying to think of something... anything that could make things better.]
I don't really know where you sleep, but... if you want to stay over tonight, you can. Just... so you don't have to be alone.
[ it takes more than a moment for falco to reach composure again once he's started crying. it's a stifling few moments that no soul would enjoy, but one that hangs in suspension between hiccups of breathing and thick snorts. of he's anything now, pulling a hand back from him might cause a string of ooze to stick and ribbon until wiped or broken. ]
I stay with, [ a pause, but only so he's not accessively stuttering, ] m-my guardians. [ perle called them "fathers". they might as well be as such. ] But if I could stay with you for tonight that'd— be good.
[ there was a difference between being with your guardians and being with your friends, after all. especially at his age— jun was likely to understand with the same maturity he did, compared to levi or erwin. it wasn't bad— but they'd already comforted him the best they could the day before. he could use some of his own space with someone his own age. ]
[He strokes the other's hair, trying to calm him. It's... fine. He's had times when he didn't want to be around his adopted father. He understands the need for his own space. And he's had sleepovers with his friends in his world - or did before... well.]
My bed's big enough. We can share. As long as you don't mind a dog sleeping on your feet... my omen likes to do that a lot.
[He glances at the couch and shakes his head.]
Manabu sleeps here, so it's not like you can do that. And I won't have you sleeping on the floor. Not like this.
[ falco shakes his head stiffly, but still adds some sort of response. he's shared beds with gabi in camps, with other children when there was still a headquarters— not like he missed that, though. he'd highly prefer sleeping at home, with his brother. jun's omen was sweet— perle always found a way to sleep in the crook of his chin and neck, but there was still one . . . problem? he could feel it in how the borrowed clothes were sticking to him rather than falling cleanly. ]
I think I'd drench your bed at this rate . . . [ but at least his breathing has quelled enough to speak with the mimimal amount of pauses. he's trying to keep his mind wandering rather than returning to that spot. he focuses on the comfort. he doesn't want to reject the offer, he wants to. he really wants to, but he doesn't want to get himself caught in a hole too deep to climb out of. ] I need to— get my corruption down.
[He shakes his head and looks at him firmly. He's not budging on this. Not when his friend needs him.]
We can wash the sheets. You shouldn't be alone right now. I... I'd hate it if you turned because I wasn't there. We can figure out how to lower your corruption... I just don't want you to leave.
[He can feel an ache in his chest at the idea, and he frowns.]
I know you're not going to go nuts and attack me or something. You wouldn't do that. So just... stay with me tonight. Please?
[ he didn’t want to say no, either— he’d get worse if he did. so the answer comes easily enough, albeit with a concerned pause— he nods against fabric, his own chest feeling tight. ]
We could . . . Try talking about other things, tonight. Or watch a movie. [ he could try and bring his attention to other places, because it surely wouldn’t help to think about something there was no way back from. falco lifts his head from the chest he had earlier placed himself upon, easing his hand upon him and— kind of grimacing when his fingerprints leave little wet stains behind. ] I don’t want to stay far, either.
[ that makes his hesitation stretch, though, but only because he goes thoughtful, using the pause both for time to think as much as to wipe at his stinging eyes. ]
Like an adventure, or something . . . What kind do you like?
[ he’d prefer to watch something they both enjoy, and romance as a genre . . . was off the table. it’d remind him of a loss too recent, and the last thing he wants to do is spend a night that’s supposed to be better crying. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
October 7
Look at me, I'm like a jilted ex who can't let go.
I don't know what to do without you, though. You kept me in check even more than my old friends did.
I'm sorry. I know it doesn't mean much of anything but I am. You're the better person for doing this. Just... disappearing and not responding. I bet you thought it would be easier on you. It probably is.
I might have a heart of stone but it feels like it's cracking without you. That sounds like a sappy love song or something but it's true. I've never felt like this before except maybe once.
At least you're not dead.
... Bye, I guess. I won't keep bothering you.
EVERYDAY I WAKE UP—
but even colder was what he felt when he was awake. blinking, assimilating, wondering how many days had passed at what was the last thing he remembered. he even had trouble figuring out where he was. falco wouldn't touch a thing yet, not when he was trembling as he curled up and cried for who knew how long. his tears were hot and felt neverending, his chest felt husky and his heart broken, too battered and bruised to think or do anything else with his time. he needed one more day.
on october eighth, nothing really changes for the better. he wakes up numbed and slimy, a disgusting purple ooze staining his clothes and dribbling off any patch of exposed skin from his face to his fingers, enough that the smallest touch would pull back with viscous strings. his eyes sting and feel heavy from exhausting sleep. raw. he's urged to contact those who have missed him, and with an empty trudge into action, he starts with his omni. it doesn't take him long to feel a little spark. something alarms him, opens his eyes in more ways than one.
jun had sent so many messages. the last ones—
the last ones prick tearing, painful stings to his eyes and wraps a strain around his throat. his nose burns, he's crying again— a hand comes up to his mouth as he reads, rereads. what does he mean by that— jun? did he really just—
his fingers keep slipping from the grime, his nose is running and everything about his is gross right now but— perle helps. ]
jun are you still there?
jun
i wasntt ignoring you
iwasst uck
please a nswer iwant to see you
i alwayswouls
no subject
[He sees his omni alert him to a message, and he frowns. Falco? Probably to tell him that he's horrible or something. It's fine. But it takes him a bit to answer because... well, he's afraid. He doesn't want to open it. As much as he feels like he can take a lot of punishment, the idea of being yelled at by someone he
cares aboutlikes is...][He's not sure.]
[The other reason is because of the pain, and it's with a lot of stiffness in his joints that he finally opens up the message.]
[... 'Stuck'? The hell is that supposed to mean? Some kind of Trench thing, probably. ... So he wasn't mad at him. He's not sure if he believes Falco, though he's never known the other boy to lie...]
[He fumbles a bit with the omni, his fingers feeling like they're cracking with every letter he types.]
I'm fine.
[He's not.]
Home sick from school. Literally couldn't get out of bed this morning. Trench is being stupid again.
What do you mean 'stuck'?
And what do you mean 'I always would'?
no subject
i'd alwaysn want tol see you
my finsgers keep stickingg
your house? i'll go b e there ina few minutes promise
[ he's already halfway out the door by then, forgetting his bag, his forgetting anything he'd usually bring. ]
no subject
Yeah I'm here.
I'm not sure I want to know why your fingers keep sticking but you can use our shower if you need it.
I'll limp my way down to the first floor so the door will be unlocked for you. Everything hurts but I think it's a monthly effect of some kind.
no subject
youre hurt stay as stilllas you can
no subject
I'm not wounded or something it's just that everything aches really badly.
Also I make sure the doors are locked when I get in because who knows what effects are going to go on?
But the door's unlocked, I'm on the couch.
no subject
ok
[ jun was stubborn. but now, falco only had one thing in mind, and that was to reach his destination. a lamp post and some squishy steps later, the blond is at the residence's doorstep. he knocks only as a reminder that he was entering, but when he swings the front door open to come in, it's in a bit of a dash. the way from there to here was a dash. ]
Jun? [ falco's voice is cracked, riddled with worry and raw from his tears— when he shows up in the living room, pausing to find jun on the couch, his heart makes the squeeze in his throat tighter. he looks— damp and unkept, but he rushes to the other boy's side and doesn't think twice about dropping his knees to the ground so he doesn't have to get up. ] J-Jun, hi—
[ he's about to cry again. about. ]
no subject
You look like you lost a fight with a bowl of jam.
[His tone is dry, but there's no hint of a bite behind it. He sighs and reaches out to flick the other in the forehead - not hard, just in annoyance.]
Head up to the shower and then into my room. There's clothes that'll fit you there.
no subject
after not removing his eyes off jun for a moment, he nods, covering his eyes with the back of his hand— but this was for him. ]
—Okay. I'll— I'll be quick.
[ and cleaning any slime coming off him. ugh. true to his word, falco goes as fast as he can. he gets the excess sludge off, hangs his own clothes by a window, and nabs the first pair of shorts and t-shirt that were available. he wasn't picky. all of that didn't take more than fifteen minutes (he didn't want to stay alone, either. auditory lapses and mild hallucinations were a crapshoot that he was expecting, at some point, just afraid to experience). it wouldn't exactly last long, but. at least long enough for them to talk and share their concerns without another jam fight on his entire person.
falco doesn't exactly look better, but he does look cleaner. his spot is still where he first folded his legs, and does so again: this time, he brought a hand towel. it was for jun. at last, he could put a hand on the boy's shoulder and start again with an inhale. ]
—I'm so sorry.
no subject
[He's not very successful. Instead he just thinks about the pain and the coldness he'd felt when he thought Falco had abandoned him. About how alone he'd felt. He's no stranger to depression or hallucinations, and he pushes both away at the moment. He can't deal with that shit right now. He doesn't have the mental space to be depressed or disturbed right now.]
[He watches Falco come back, his eyes tracking the other from behind his glasses. He keeps his mouth shut until Falco settles back into his spot - a spot that he's put a pillow down on, if only so the other doesn't end up sitting on the hard floor.]
.... I wouldn't have blamed you if you had abandoned me. I... you have a lot of other friends, right? So... so I'm not that important...
[He worries at his bottom lip for a moment before he speaks again.]
You're... it's... it's fine. It's in the past, anyway. Neither of us can change it.
[But then why does it hurt in a different way than his joints hurt?]
... I had a dream about you. I was chasing after you in the forest. ... But you kept running, and it was so dark I could barely see you. And... then I couldn't see you at all.
[He could end there, but he doesn't like to lie. That's not the end.]
And... then you were the bird-thing and you were chasing me. And on your back you had billions of lights... all the life signs of the people I.. killed. You caught up to me and grabbed me in your mouth, crushing me...
... I don't know how long I was in the dark for. It felt like forever before I woke up.
[He reaches out and puts a hand on the side of Falco's head, idly combing the other boy's hair with his fingers.]
... But you'd... you'd never do that to me...
no subject
the dream is a nightmare. there may have been a thing or two, about dreams in their classes, but falco does not have the mind to retrieve them. something about occult meanings and having keys to one's heart and soul. the deepest dives and the most intimate of fears slept there. being afraid of abandonment was palpably understandable, but falco's anxiety toward loss at this point expands to a level of rivalry. watching him from where he sits, diligently and raw, feeling the inside of his nose burn from the afterthought of shedding more tears when noticing pained twinges in his features and sweat causing black locks to stick. by the time he has folder the towel he'd gotten into a small square to pad at his friend's temple—
his cold, clammy cheeks feel warm, a flurrying greenish tint by a hand that cards at short little damp strands of his own hair. the shells of his ears have dawned the same color all the way down to his neck. this was affection. this was a tad more than a hug. he remembers each and every written word on the screen of his omni, and the combination makes his heart leap. ]
I'd, [ falco shakes his head, presses his lips together in a straight line to keep from losing composure already so fragile. ] never hurt you. I'd never run from you, you're—
[ when he inhales, it's shivery, even as he holds, makes sure to settle his hand at the top of the other boy's head with a gentle dust of his forehead with the towel. ]
You're my best friend— You make it bright, [ compared to such darkness, ] You're one of the only good things I have left.
[ his remaining hand finds the top of jun's, where it lingers close to his head, to clap it close. ]
None of what you said . . . Was stupid.
no subject
[If he died, it'd only be fair - even if it's not 'right' to some people.]
I'm... I'm fine. You don't have to - mm.
[He shuts up as Falco wipes at his forehead and goes quiet for a few long moments. He makes a soft noise in the back of his throat as Falco finishes and huffs in laughter - even if it hurts.]
Ironic, that I'd be a good thing for you. You know I'm bad news.
[He swallows thickly and leans in to press his head against his friend's.]
I'm not... I'm not okay in the head. You... you know that, right? I'm prone to anger, coldness... hallucinations... I'm a mess...
no subject
too much has happened. he is a mess. he needs time to process what has gone and what is happening, and something is definitely . . . happening. he wouldn’t mind if he simply hovered there, suspended, only worrying about breathing and how nice it was to share the proximity—
in the meantime, he doesn’t shy away. he gives a press back, dipping his head to oblige and continue, before the pressure releases with his own gentle pullback. he hasn’t let go of the other’s hand, but . . . they’re starting to sweat, feel damp to the touch, jun would find. he’s not drying, no matter how warm he felt. ]
I, um . . . Not so far behind. [ his attempted smile comes weak and with raised shoulders. he’s a traumatized child soldier. he has a terminal curse. he’s possessed— his head isn’t any clearer. falco swallows thick, and rubs his thumb reassuringly over the hand he still covers. he’s barely registering that he’s holding someone’s hand for so long. ] But it’s not something we can’t get through together.
no subject
[He doesn't resist pulling back, just holds on to Falco's hand. It's kind of gross since he's sweaty, but... eh. At least he's not slimy anymore.]
You look... like you don't feel well. And not in the pain sense.
[He feels a small jolt as the other's thumb moves over his skin, but he doesn't move. This is... well, it's different than what he felt like Machi. Two children marching to their deaths, trying to enjoy what little time they had left... until it was cut short.]
[This? He's not sure what this is.]
Talk to me, Falco.
[He moves impulsively, not thinking about it - stretching out his other hand to cup his friend's cheek. It's... fine. This is fine. This is just a friend thing to do, right? Maybe not normally for boys, but... nothing's normal here. It's fine.]
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I was, I-In this thing, for a while, sleeping, and I remember . . . Home, [ it only lasted a second, that flash, but falco’s features contort from being unable to hold the painful want to cry. it comes in a flow through gritting teeth— and what was probably sweat is now a touch oily. slippery. he turns his head and rests it against jun in a half hug that crumbles. the silence that quivers his shoulders breaks in a wet gasp, and he says with squeaking labor: ] Everyone’s— gone—
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[Remembering home? More than he did? But... 'everyone's gone'. Oh. Well. That could mean a few different things, but he gets the sense that Falco's not in a mood to elaborate. He uses his sleeve on his free arm to wipe the other's face, even if he knows it's just going to get wet again.]
I see. I...
[He huffs a bit, trying to think of something... anything that could make things better.]
I don't really know where you sleep, but... if you want to stay over tonight, you can. Just... so you don't have to be alone.
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I stay with, [ a pause, but only so he's not accessively stuttering, ] m-my guardians. [ perle called them "fathers". they might as well be as such. ] But if I could stay with you for tonight that'd— be good.
[ there was a difference between being with your guardians and being with your friends, after all. especially at his age— jun was likely to understand with the same maturity he did, compared to levi or erwin. it wasn't bad— but they'd already comforted him the best they could the day before. he could use some of his own space with someone his own age. ]
Thanks.
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[He strokes the other's hair, trying to calm him. It's... fine. He's had times when he didn't want to be around his adopted father. He understands the need for his own space. And he's had sleepovers with his friends in his world - or did before... well.]
My bed's big enough. We can share. As long as you don't mind a dog sleeping on your feet... my omen likes to do that a lot.
[He glances at the couch and shakes his head.]
Manabu sleeps here, so it's not like you can do that. And I won't have you sleeping on the floor. Not like this.
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I think I'd drench your bed at this rate . . . [ but at least his breathing has quelled enough to speak with the mimimal amount of pauses. he's trying to keep his mind wandering rather than returning to that spot. he focuses on the comfort. he doesn't want to reject the offer, he wants to. he really wants to, but he doesn't want to get himself caught in a hole too deep to climb out of. ] I need to— get my corruption down.
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[He shakes his head and looks at him firmly. He's not budging on this. Not when his friend needs him.]
We can wash the sheets. You shouldn't be alone right now. I... I'd hate it if you turned because I wasn't there. We can figure out how to lower your corruption... I just don't want you to leave.
[He can feel an ache in his chest at the idea, and he frowns.]
I know you're not going to go nuts and attack me or something. You wouldn't do that. So just... stay with me tonight. Please?
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We could . . . Try talking about other things, tonight. Or watch a movie. [ he could try and bring his attention to other places, because it surely wouldn’t help to think about something there was no way back from. falco lifts his head from the chest he had earlier placed himself upon, easing his hand upon him and— kind of grimacing when his fingerprints leave little wet stains behind. ] I don’t want to stay far, either.
[ that makes his hesitation stretch, though, but only because he goes thoughtful, using the pause both for time to think as much as to wipe at his stinging eyes. ]
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[Eh. He'll deal with the stains later. Right now he's more concerned about Falco.]
I'll even let you pick. Even if it's not a kind of movie I like.
[He's pretty sure Falco's going to pick some kind of romance movie which - ew. But he'll bear through it if that's what his friend needs right now.]
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Like an adventure, or something . . . What kind do you like?
[ he’d prefer to watch something they both enjoy, and romance as a genre . . . was off the table. it’d remind him of a loss too recent, and the last thing he wants to do is spend a night that’s supposed to be better crying. ]
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Adventure sounds... nice.
[He'll try to not criticize the thing the whole way through.]
But I don't know many adventure movies, so you can pick.
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